The Goal for January is Survival

It is 5am on a Wednesday as I sit down to blog.  I've been up since probably 3:45, peeing, tossing, turning while trying to listen to the soothing meditations to get me back to sleep but I just laid there feeling like I was starving and sweating into my Cuddle Duds sheets despite it being -13 Fahrenheit just on the other side of the my window.

I'm not doing well, haven't been for weeks.  It seems like everyone is in the January doldrums so I smile meekly and try to downplay it as that but I think I may be having an anxiety episode for a few weeks now.  

Just after new years my boyfriend disappeared for a few days.  It feels like years ago, honestly, but at the time I was so mad at him for ghosting me, then relieved that I didn't have to break up with him, maybe he was just waiting until after the holidays, then depressed that I would be alone, then happy, then I worried he was dead and who was going to tell me if he died, so I was googling his obituary and then considering adding his mother on facebook when he finally sent me a cryptic text message with a photo from the emergency room.  No explanation of why he was there, and I assumed he had finally given himself alcohol poisoning (he kept throwing up on New Years eve and the next morning).  Not exactly -- he had given himself hypocalcemia, too much calcium in your blood which comes from either a tumor on some sort of lymph node or potentially from taking too many Tums and this kid eats Tums like they are candy because he always has heartburn, I suspect, from the drinking.  I thought maybe he would learn his lesson and he stayed home the next weekend to rest, but mostly he was grounded because when he was in the hospital his mom found his stash of empty vodka bottles in his bedroom.  He is back to drinking on the weekends and honestly I know I need to end it or at least try some ultimatum manipulation, but I can't go through a break up and be alone right now, especially since he is my only physical human contact.  I keep trying to downplay our relationship to casual so it doesn't matter as much.  It's his problem, and it's not like we're not getting married.  

I haven't been smoking, which is good, except that it also means I have not been taking breaks from work or going outside.  My lungs feel better but I also feel like I'm losing my mind.  If it wasn't so fucking cold,  I think I would let myself do it.  I had a couple of the boyfriend's smokes this weekend and ahhhhh.  

I had my adhd follow up and the psychiatrist who diagnosed me did not prescribe me any medication, she just reiterated what her notes said.  She kind of explained which tests I did "good" on and which ones I did bad on.  Apparently I have good verbal skills and comprehension, I'm just a slow processer, like my Dell computer here.  I called the local behavioral health branch however, and the adhd specialty therapists are not taking new clients, other therapists are booking new clients in July, and the earliest I could get in to see a nurse about meds is April 19th.  What if I was/am having an actual mental health crisis?  Do I need I have an actual mental break and end up in the ER?  I am afraid to bring up depression and anxiety because sometimes that is all they hear and they get hung up on treating that.  

So here's the thing.  I am on no meds right now, which was going fine until now.  I had backed off my prozac in anticipation of the diagnosis and wanting to start fresh.  I think I still have some and I think I might self medicate.  Like... now.  I cannot raw dog  these emotions through the rest of the winter.

Friday night I was in Target when I had what I usually would refer to as a low blood sugar episode -- I get woozy, sweaty, feel like I'm going to pass out, get a little panicy.  My instinct is usually "I need to eat" and I buy some little debbies and mow down on them in the parking lot.  It seems to happen a lot when I am in grocery stores.  So this happened, I did the routine and I have not been feeling right since it happened.  This is also why I stopped taking metformin - it was happening a lot - and even though they told me that metformin does not lower your blood sugar, I think taking diabetes medication when you're not diabetic must do something to lower your blood sugar.  It's an off-label use to treat PCOS but I'm not actually trying to get pregnant so I think it's silly to take it.  I gained weight when I was off, but also was working from home.  My new nurse/doctor tested my A1C and it was not even in the prediabetic range, but she wanted me to try going back on it at a lower dose.

Here's the thing, I don't really know if it's low blood sugar.  And being fat, I really need to come with evidence of what is happening, which  means documenting, which being adhd I am not good at, which is not an excuse because I have always been terrible at tracking things just now I know why.  

I could just be having panic attacks?

Because I still don't feel right.  I still feel woozy and starving all the time.  I just ate a double serving of oatmeal and am still hungry. 

I have to go out into the cold today so I am going to buy a glucose monitor and a pregnancy test because that has been running looping around the back of my brain too.  I had my period, but it was weird and early and light but long but I might be beginning the long march to menopause, who knows.  Let's just rule it out.

I am finally sleepy again.  It was probably the coffee.  Coffee can soothe the ADHD mind because our brains work the opposite.  That explains how I never had a problem drinking truck stop coffee late at night then going to bed.

My wake up alarm just went off.  I have an appointment this morning and need to drive to Milwaukee.  I just want to call in sick and go back to sleep for a few hours but adulthood is calling.

I might dump more anxiety later.  Mostly, I just feel like I am dying.  And when I don't feel like I am dying, I feel like I am trapped.  Sometimes it's both.  Now I feel queasy again.  Time to shower and dig out the Prozac!