Everyone is pushing me to my limit. What is a nervous breakdown if not being pushed into snapping by everyone wanting something from you, expecting things from you, and there not being enough hours in a day that I can not do everything I am expected to do AND do what I want to do? I feel like I am saying the same thing every day. This is my end of day rumination. This is the beginning of my new plan to sit down at 9pm every night, blog or journal it out so I am not up until midnight or one o'clock scrolling and ruminating in my head and then having weird vivid dreams in which I am some kind of sociopath that is really only reflective of the shit I've been watching (right? ..... right? ...?)
I have yet to actually do it at 9pm but it's only day 2. I started at 10pm then just took a 30 minute sidebar to look for stickers to send to my aunt in her birthday card that will likely be late. One of the things I was going to purchase at the dollar tree was a card for her (among others) then I looked in my drawer of other cards and there was a birthday aunt card I had already signed and forgot to mail to a different aunt and luckily I didn't write on the envelope so thank you kismit I guess?
KISMIT is only a word when capitalized I guess. Thanks, blogger.
Today's creepy horoscope keeps bringing up relationships. I am trying not to think about relationships. I haven't been to therapy in a month but go next week.
I see my boyfriend for about ... a day and a half on weekends. Usually late Friday nights when he is done with work, and he goes home Sunday morning to afternoon, usually earlier now because football. And when he is here I think, this isn't so bad. We enjoy each other's company for the most part I think. I sometimes get annoyed with him. He is a bit of a child. I don't know that I have ever referred to him as a man. He is a boy. A big ol' baby boy but he buys me things and pays for my meals and I dumped him because of the drinking and when he cried and cried and I agreed to give him another chance he did stop drinking, at least around me. I did not institute a weed rule though so sometimes he might overdo it on the Delta 8 or real thc if he hasn't gobbled or vaped everything up from the last time we ran to Illinois. Then he's kind of an idiot baby boy. So I take a 10 mg gummy and get lost in an adult coloring book.
My problem is that during the week, when he is gone, I think about how and when I might be able to get out of this. And then I feel guilty. It's all the same old codependent shit. I can't handle his reaction to being broken up with. Even if I make it about me, he makes it about him. I feel fucking trapped. I feel like I want to be alone, all the time. Maybe that is depression or anxiety. I think that if/when I were single I would not try to date. And I don't think I've ever dated without trying, without being on the apps or going to bars and shoving my tits in someone's face. I walk around with resting bitch face, fucking talking to myself these days, having conversations in my head while making the external facial expressions like a fucking crazy person -- dudes are not coming up to me in stores. The only store I go into is The Dollar Tree because they don't have curbside pickup.
Wait, the interloper next door tries to talk to me. Fucking Randy. He has ex-con written all over his face. Not literally but it's the way he says "knowma sayn?" I think he goes and sits on the deck smoking cigarettes waiting for me to get home at 4:45. Usually I try to avoid eye contact. Sometimes he leans on the railing and stares at my house. I can already tell he is going to be back for the winter, probably packing the fucking snow down again in my driveway. Maybe I'll kill him before he kills me.
Seriously my cat is at the top of the stairs yelling at me to come to bed.
Anyways the point was that I don't know if I really want to be alone or if it is fear or depression or anxiety. I don't know if the lack of passion in my relationship is menopause or just reality. I think almost everyone settles. Romance is a myth. We're friends. We're companions. I don't want to live with him. I certainly can go a day without talking to him. I'm 44. I've been waiting for lightning to strike in many ways and I think it's time to grow up and realize that it's climate change baby and we're in a fucking drought.
Getting bleak maybe. Almost 11pm. Can I be asleep by midnight? Can I keep the phone at least across the aisle from my bed so I don't buy shit in my sleep? I have plans. I don't have any execution.
I need an executioner.
;)
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