transcend the mundane

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Mundane existence. That is the existential dread rearing its head. I am not supposed to be an accountant. It's just a means to an end, right? But it's more exhausting than that and its a trap. The deeper I get, it becomes more performative. Do I want to strive to get ahead? Take development courses? They want a bachelor's degree before you can become a manager. I don't want to do any of this. I just want to make enough money to live and not be emotionally exhausted by 4pm. I want my coworker to retire instead of moving the goal posts. She is an emotional vampire, everyone knows it. And nobody calls her on it though today I told her not to roll her eyes at me. Sometimes I hope something happens to force her into retirement. Maybe a small stroke. I don't know if I can handle her until 2025. 

The kicker: she likes me. This is her being nice to me. So I pretend to be her friend because that's what you do at work. I don't really like her at all. I feel sorry for her.

The resources: money. The things I have been buying compulsively are pretty things or broken things or dusty things. Projects. I see things and I want to make other pretty things and then either sell them or honestly, have other people look at the things and say "oh skindee, you are so good at making things pretty, you are so talented, you are an artist, here is a million dollars so you can open your own store with your own vibes" and people will flock or not and I can just hang out and chill and make art all day or go treasure hunting at thrift shops for inventory. 

These stores exist and are owned by stay at home moms as tax shelters. What I actually need is a booth or a shelf at a collective or an etsy. 

I was looking into Debtors Anonymous so I did some binge shopping tonight. Kinda like the day before a diet. Must stockpile.

Love my house. I have crafted (almost) every room into an homage of my shifting moods. Each room has its own vibe. The dining room is black and white, red accents, witchy goth meets The China Garden (the old school chinese restaurant down by the dam in my hometown). The living room is rich jewel tones, gold, dark brown furniture, and vintage cat figurines keep watch from the crown molding around the door frames. The parlor/office was first so its the most Chip & Joanna, soft blues and grays, white furniture. Elegant. The kichen is a sunny teal and more vintage finds. My bedroom is everything purple and feminine and the walls are crammed with art by women and my crystal. The spare room is claiming its identity as The Rainbow Room as it becomes my art room and I strung christmas lights to offset the weird angles and north window. Unicorn art and all the weird things, stickers, magazine photos, cool cards ... the collage wall I never had in college. Its the art room and I embrace my inner child. She decorates tbnis one.

I still hate my neighborhood. It is also a trap.

I have an escape plan. Or at least I'm inspired to create one.