A mysterious and pungent odor

 So here's a funny thing, internet, if you are still listening.

I go and login for my 2023 post of the year and see my republished version of a rant about being overwhelmed from way back in oh 2008 I reckon, about 15 years ago.  I think I was trying to copy the post with comments to a word doc, archiving the old records and shit.

I feel exactly the same way today as I did that day.  What a fucking hoot.  Some things really never change.  I suppose the difference is that now that I am older and now that my ADHD is diagnosed I know that I easily get overwhelmed when I am overstimulated or say yes to too much  and am bogged down with obligations and while I want to freak out and yell at everybody to fucking leave me alone, I know that I really just need to step away and try to corral my ducks and draw some boundaries.

I came here to brain dump everything that is overwhelming me/pissing me off.

I've just now decided that I've also come here to brain storm solutions, in no particular order.

• This fucking kid riding her bike down the street in front of my house ringing her bell as she's trying to thirst trap the other toddler across the street.  My nice quiet street has become full of screaming children as all the old folks have slowly died/moved away.
• Keep telling myself they are renters, they are renters, they are renters and hope they move away sooner rather than later.
• Shut the windows.
• I could also yell at her like the mean old lady that I have become.
• My wegovy coach who sent me links to videos every week and nagged me to login to the portal every couple of days to set my SMART and reward has dumped me.  Because I ghosted her.  And now I feel bad because she doesn't like me.
• I hate SMART goals and this coaching program did not work for me.  I only signed up for it because I had hoped for a WW like forum with recipes and group interactions.  Mostly it is basic ass articles that anyone on a diet could have written.
• It's okay. I wanted a way out.  And now I have one less AI robot nagging me.
• I keep forgetting to take the Wegovy ... I'm already late this week.
• I just did it.  This needs to be the thing that I can do right now.  If I can't do everything they tell me to do, at least do the injection because it's the part that actually works.
•  My co-worker is on vacation this week and I have taken it upon myself to prove that I can do the work of two people without being a whiny bitch like she will be when I'm on vacation.
• It is easier to get work done when she is not there constantly trying to talk to me or interrupt me.
• My boss has noticed and commented on how hard I am working so point proved, no need to kill myself working 12 hours a day.
• I am fucking tired.
• Chill out tonight.  No working from home tonight, tomorrow I can kick ass.
• Had signed up for a new local poetry group/open mic tonight but just canceled.  Last time I went I gained some fans but I just don't have the wherewithal tonight.
• Hey how about I put the phone down instead of doomscrolling from 10pm til midnight and go the fuck to sleep?
• The biggest problem weighing on me at this exact moment is my broke-ness.  Ever since I bought my used car and let the payment creep up beyond what I had said I was comfortable with ($300 turned to $400 turned to $450 and ended up $457 a month) I have been robbing Peter to pay Paul (more like robbing myself to pay myself).  I have a disconnect notice from the electric company.  It won't be disconnected but come on man, I'm almost 44 years old and this is still happening?
• Canceled Amazon Prime, one of my favorite places to buy things on my phone while in bed.  Heck, I just uninstalled the app from my phone.  Double heck, I just went and removed all stored card numbers from my online wallet.  Take that, impulse spending.
• Canceled my YNAB (you need a budget) subscription which sounds counter intuitive but they had upped that shit to $100 a year and I wasn't really budgeting, just using it as an overpriced check register app.  Just switched to Quicken for $35.  
• Did not take money out of my 401k, but did request a loan.  I would like to get a bonafide consolidation loan but my credit score is atrocious at the moment. I will use the loan money to bring down balances and catch up on the dire needs and hope to see my score go up enough that I can get approved.
• Going to need to get an actual budget set but still working on importing all my accounts and sorting out the nuts and bolts.  Needs to happen soon because I have been procrastinating on this.  Head in the sand sort of shit.
• Also, I have not been just willy nilly blowing money on silly stuff (just nilly), the problem is also that I have no emergency savings so when I owed taxes to both the feds and state, I had a car repair that wasn't even fully repaired, and I had to call in an exterminator to rid my house of a yellow jacket infestation, that also meant turning more to the credit cards.
• I have been saying that I am going to have a rummage sale for three years now, maybe four, ever since I moved and I declared that it will be the Saturday of Labor Day weekend.  A friend is coming to help me work it but that now leaves me with 2 weekends to finish cleaning the garage, purging my house and getting ready to get set up and it is a time crunch.
• I asked my therapist if I could push it off but the week after would not work and even if it did I would end up spending my vacation prepping and who wants to do that?  And then it's fall and who has rummage sales in the fall? This one might even be too late in the season as it is.
• The problem is that everyone wants to hang out with me on the weekends.  Boyfriend, friends I haven't seen in ages. It's nice to catch up but also it's really the only time I have the bandwith to do these projects.  Boyfriend says he will help but I am all codependent and stuff still so I can tell he doesn't want to or he's in the way so I say I will work on it Sunday but I don't because by then I'm super worn out so I told him not to come over this weekend until Saturday evening.  I need time and space and everyone outta my way.
• The boyfriend situation argh.  I don't even have the bandwidth to go there and I also have guilt about procrastinating working on all of my codependent literature.  I said I was going to read Codependent No More and do all the writing prompts by the end of summer.
• I have failed at Self-Care Summer.  Or have I?
• Does self-care work like that?
• I went thirty days no contact with him which were nice and quiet and productive.  I took him back because he promised to quit drinking but it's slowly creeping back and boundaries and guilt and obligation and yes, do not have the bandwidth. 
• At heart, I am an introvert and I have not been filling my cup.  I need quiet time, sleep.  I have off next Monday to spend time with my mom and then the week of labor day.  

This is enough dumping.  I'm tired and hungry and my cat smells like a farm, or maybe this town does.  I am miles away from any farm fields though, so who knows where that shit smell is coming from.

Olivia, right now, annoyed that I said she smells like a barn.