Lesson 5: People We've Lost (kinda)... but also current events

This lesson asks us to rehash grief.  I'm going to gloss over this, having not lost anyone close to me in a very long time.  I'm lucky to have all four of my parents around yet, but I have run out of grandparents.  Those losses were not tragic to me per se, but I was more affected on an empathic level.  Being midwestern/Nordic, it seems to be impolite to express feelings.  You certainly don't want to make other people around you feel burdened by your emotions and so grief is a lonely road you walk alone.  Deflect with humor, deflect with alcohol, deflect with food.  Deflect, deflect, deflect.

I have stopped crying when I learn that a person has died.  My ex's mom.  My cousin's son.  My godfather uncle, and I was even in the room for that one.  I have wondered why this is.  If I have become cold and unemotional or if it more has to do with my dabbling in the spiritual realm and psychics.  I can't say that we necessarily go to heaven or hell or that we all become ghosts or only some who haven't crossed, but I have talked to enough mediums that I know my grandmother Louise is attached to me because she always comes through.  I have watched mediums take on her hand motions, fidgeting, lip licking, laugh.  That Wagner laugh.  Because she was bossy, I totally believe that she always pushes her way to the front of the line.  I count her among my ADD ancestors.  

Animals though. I still cry about Phoebe.  I have made enough progress that I finally purchased a memorial box with photo frames from Amazon and it turned out to be bigger than I thought.  "You could put all your cats ashes in it" a friend of mine said, so now I'm paralyzed with pre-grief and think every time I look at it I'll be reminded they too shall pass.  If you think about it in terms of hours spent together, they are the longest relationships of my life thus far.  

Today is cloudy and gloomy and I really don't want to spend the day mired in death thoughts, so I'm going to pivot in to what happened this week, which was physically nothing but mentally maybe a tiny shift? Monday I virtually attended a free motivational seminar on confidence-boosting that went on for ten hours.  There were some big names in the motivational world (Tony Robbins, Jay Shetty, Brendon Burchard) even Chrissy Metz and it was all free because of some billionaire lady founder of a cosmetics company was doing a book launch.  I was working and casting it to a small TV I set up in my office so I could easily mute it when the cheerleader lady came out or my boss called me or some such.  And... it kind of worked, at least as a mood booster.  Was I actually "Becoming Unstoppable"?  Did I buy the book to get more free bonuses?  Yes, but only on kindle so it was cheaper.  

So here I am on my little high when it is time for our Tuesday department meeting and my associate (no employees here, we are all "associates" (oh shit I think I just realized that goes back to when it was a mob company)) uses her time to just point out every tiny mistake I've made in front of the whole department (which is four people total). I have found small mistakes she has made and I just correct them and move on, no big deal.  Usually.  I used this opportunity of feeling attacked to bite back  and pointed out something she did but also added a callous "no big deal, just something to watch for".  She is older and I think it may be a generational thing.  Or an accounting personality type.

Wednesday I had my one-on-one with my boss and thought about bringing it up but didn't want to be petty.  She did mentioned she would like the weekly meetings to become a collaborative ideas space so maybe nitpicking each other is not that.  We did talk about work goals which is something she procrastinated on.  It's a requirement to post in your portal your yearly goals for yourself, the department and your long-term and short-term career goals.  My boss plans to retire in five years, and so does everyone else.  Maybe I want to be the AP manager after she retires?  I need to think about my goals.

Thursday I had my second appointment with my new therapist.  Let's call her Kathy.  Kathy asks me what the best and worst things were to happen since the last time I saw her.  I was not prepared for this, so I use it to segue into what I wanted to talk about anyway -- I call the seminar the best thing just because of its mood boosting and the job goals the worst.  Well, not the worst, but the most anxiety producing.  I'm not dumb, I did notice that everyone was older and wondered if I was hired to be a potential replacement *someday* but I didn't know I'd have to name it right now.  That I had to lay claim to it.  Would I even want it?  It has never seemed like a possibility before.  I am usually the silly one of the department.  Then it dawned on me that nobody really knows me here.  I could be the fucking AP manager someday.  Working from home, we don't interact a ton.  I'm not even working very hard and I don't think anyone knows, my boss is just pleased that everything is caught up.  

Apparently Kathy used to be an accountant and while I was trying to talk about going back to school to finish my English degree, I think she was assuming that I talking about getting a bachelor's in accounting so I could make more money.  I don't even use the stuff I learned getting my associates.  She says it doesn't matter, then you can sit for the CPA.  I do know some ding dongs that are CPAs so how hard can it be?  

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with being an accountant.  I am not passionate about it, I don't find it fun.  Have I always just wanted to be glamorous and artsy?  Not a lot of people get to "do art" for a living.  I spend a lot of time thinking of art ideas but not executing them (another point in the ADD column).  But given how I breezed through most of my accounting classes with easy As, could it turn out that maybe I actually am talented at accounting?  That I am more left-brained than I care to admit it?  Is it possible to be a dyslexic attention deficit disordered talented accountant?  Can I fake it up to middle management where I don't really have to do anything except coach a couple of underlings and come up with goals that are riddled with corporate jargonese?  

Kathy did not encourage me to follow my dreams, she encouraged me to make more money.  I should have asked her what mid-life crisis made her pivot from accounting to counseling, but then she would have to pay me for counseling her.  Kathy said that when we are young, we may also have wanted to be a unicorn farmer but sometimes you have to grow up.  Did she call my writerly dreams immature?  I didn't book another appointment with her because I don't know if its a match and I don't know what to work on with her.  If something comes up, maybe I'll give her a call.  Her schedule seems pretty open.

In the meantime, I put succeeding my boss as AP Manager as my long term goal.  Now that it's in my file, they might begin grooming me, but I think the main purpose is for me to groom myself.  If I start thinking that there is a chance of becoming a manager, maybe that is enough for me to shift my attitude a bit.  One thing is for sure, no getting drunk with these people or telling inappropriate stories about that one time I got drunk or about how I stole my stapler when I got laid off.  

Lesson 4: Contribution

I had my first visit with my new therapist and found it frustrating that she didn't already know my whole backstory because I was trying to tell it to her and going off in tangents and I brought up ADD and she shook her head yes vehemently but she is one of those that says meditation is just as effective as medication and even though she is not a prescriber, I was hoping to get referred to one.  Also, I am using insurance since it is partially covered but I forgot that when you do use insurance you need to have goals/reason/treatment plan for going to therapy because apparently you can't just go hang out with some lady in a tiny white room for 50 minutes just because you want to talk about yourself and be validated without feeling guilty. I have another appointment this week, I figure I will give her a try for a few sessions and keep trying to meditate even though I am mostly bad at it.

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 This lesson asks me to reflect on what I do to make the world a better place or at the very least, contribute.  Having a job contributes to society.  Paying taxes, contributing to the flow of money.  Putting art and thoughts out to the world (which feels more like self-centered expression for me but okay, some find it entertaining).  Taking care of a home.  The cats.  I keep the cats fat and happy with comfortable places to sleep.  Being a mentor to younger generations, which I only do on accident.  In my last job I found myself as the "work mom" to my eighteen year old co-worker.  Wait I thought, when did this happen?  Everyone always wants to mother me... I am the one who has work moms.  And now I am a work mom to a smart and funny orthodox Catholic home-schooled girl who is so stubborn and young that she doesn't even know she is parroting her parent's viewpoints?  I can't wait for her to break free.  I just hope she realizes I gave her a nail file. 

Have you ever posted a positive image or quote on social media?  What made it special to you?

Any meme I have posted, or quote I have used in a caption has been because it meant something to me at the time.  Sometimes they stop meaning something as evidenced by when I see them in my facebook memories (something I've been using to slowly delete the past).  Sometimes they turn out to be problematic examples of toxic positivity.  Gotta hand it to Gen Z, they have really found a way to vilify just about anything.

How do you feel like you contribute to the world through your vocation?

Accounting keeps the money flowing between companies.  My company itself contributes cheese, glorious cheese to the world.  They also have good benefits and wellness programs, personal development courses which I am about to start taking (as required).  I feel better working for them than any other company in my past which either contributed junk to the world and/or treated employees like pawns.

Have you ever donated money or time to a cause?  What feelings prompted you to do so?

Donating money is easier.  A few bucks here and there to March of Dimes, the Humane Society, places where if you donate $10 once they will send you merch for years and then ask you to donate more in order to pay for it.  I had a child sponsor twice, less than a dollar a day to feed a starving child.  I quit on both of them during times when I was trying to wrangle my expenses in.  The second one was a fifteen year old boy with a moustache from the Philippines.  My friends got a good chuckle out of that one.

Guilt is what usually inspires my generosity. In my church days they taught that you should give 10% of your income to the church.  Luckily my parents also thought this to be outrageous... like I should give $200 a month to the church when the pastor is driving around in a minivan with a TV in it and I am living paycheck to paycheck? And even in the post-church days the Woo woo gurus go around espousing that if you give it away it will come back ten-fold (or something).  But the scarcity mindset is ingrained and if I feel guilty for spending $20 on pizza delivery while paying off debt, I am never going to be able to part with 10%.  I am only putting 5% in my 401k and even that seems like a bit much.  

Sometimes out of the goodness of my heart I will give $10 - 20 to someone's fundraiser for an animal if I know them.  But usually only for animals.

When I am rich, I say, I will be a philanthropist.  

Have you ever performed a random act of kindness?

Snowblowing the curmudgeon next door's sidewalk?  Holding a door?  Paying for the car behind me in the drive thru but only if someone in front of me paid for mine and then I end up paying for a three person car behind me instead of my $3 for breakfast burritos?  Sure.  Nothing on a grandiose scheme though.  I think about doing them, but don't actually do them out of fear.  There was a guy sitting outside the grocery store parking lot with a sign indicating he is cold and I have a plethora of blankets at home.  I contemplated going to get him one, but then my brain train took me all the way to doing that, then offering to let him stay at my house for the night, then him murdering me.  Not sure if this is an ADHD thing or just a fear mongered white girl who watches too many murder docs.

How do you contribute to your family or friend group on a regular basis?

I try to send birthday cards if I'm not going to see the person.  It feels like nobody does it anymore.  It also feels likes something I do and hope to maybe get the same in return but I don't and then I say I'm not going to do it anymore but then I go it's not supposed to be about getting the return, it's about doing unto others as you'd have done to you without expecting the done to you part.

How would you like to live your life with the idea that you're setting an example for others as  you do so?  Would you do anything differently?

If I'm modeling anything, it's that you can do it yourself without a man.  I don't know if I'm trying to put on airs about being cool single independent chick and everyone sees right through it and pities me, or if they admire me.  Probably a little bit of both.  I don't know that I would do anything explicitly different in order to be what... an influencer?  

I pay attention to the people that are living the lives that I wish I were and then I look at the gap between their life and mine and I wonder if it is achievable or if I am buying into the lie that you have to be a skinny vegan yoga master with hairy armpits living in a zen garden in Malibu in order to be happy.  Do you need some grand purpose to change the world?  Am I wasting my life?  Comparison is the thief of joy.

Is there a meaningful giving experience you'd like to plan for in the future?

There is definitely something making me feel icky about my contributions not being totally selfless.  Since I have given up most desire/hope to biologically have a child of my own, isn't my lack of contribution to global warming/overpopulation/resource suck, not to mention sparing future generations from my genetics, enough? I figure that if that mothering itch really wants to be scratched, maybe sometime in ten years when I'm 50 or so, I can foster or adopt a kid, one that's around four or five, already potty trained but still cute and precocious.  Or you know, maybe a puppy.  I keep asking the cats if they want a puppy and they say no with their eyes.  

My company does a lot of work with Big Brothers Big Sisters and I have been thinking about volunteering with them, sort of foster-lite, find some kid that you don't have to take home, just basically babysit for a few hours a week.  I also have wondered if they would let me as a single middle aged lady participate and if it would seem creepy if I did.  It's called Big Sisters not "you are the same age as my Grandma because we all had kids at sixteen." (I can say that because I was a teen mom baby.)

Lesson 3B: What is Missing, part 2

 Please note my reluctance to do this lesson.  It's obviously some kind of refusal, delay, procrastination tactic my ego is employing to help me avoid uncomfortable feelings.

1.  Do you feel connected to the world and the people around you?  If not, why do you think that might be? 

NO.  But honestly... never really have.  That was even the crux of my existence going back to childhood. Not popular, but not bullied.  I have always felt invisible to the majority of the world.  A misfit, but embarrassed about it.  I never let my freak flag fly.

2.  Can you think of a time when you felt more connected?  Describe that time.

In the younger days (middle/high school) my friend groups consisted of other misfits.  We were the leftovers.  I think we each thought we were the ring leader, but there wasn't a leader.  Work friends aren't that genuine, especially ones in my early drinking days.  I spent my 20s skimming along the outskirts of other tribes.  Even in the online heydays of 2006 Blogging, I had my regulars that I regularly visited but could not quite get into true bloggy friends circle.  But this isn't about the times you still didn't feel connected.  I get glimpses of it, sometimes with family or friends or even a nice interaction with a stranger out in the wild and I can always tell those little moments because I get a little flutter / heart swell.  And it feels good.

3.  List as many of your values as you can think of.

I always worry about the difference between what I think my values are and what I actually practice/represent.   I think I value beauty (aesthetics, not societal beauty standards as a tool of repression), competence, cleverness, courtesy (can you tell I'm looking through an alphabetical list?), empathy, ethics, focus (I value in others and wish I had it), serenity (wish), security (wish), loyalty (I gots and I wants), intuition and self-improvement.  I also think I value animals over people, is that a value?

4. Do you feel like you're traveling down the right path?  If not, what is your "right" path?

Well.  I think with age comes the acceptance that there isn't a right or wrong path, just the one you're on and it's what you make of it, right?  Sounds trite, but the other two options are offing yourself or quitting your job with the certainty that the universe will provide for you and I haven't reached either of those ends of the spectrum yet.

5. Have you considered that the thing that might be missing is you?  Do spend time exploring inward instead of letting the world pull you outside of yourself?

Sweet jesus, all I do is self-reflection.  To the point that it might be detrimental.  I was once getting reiki'd and the lady balancing my chakras asked me if I was a pilot because I'm not connected to the ground.  I need to be more in my body.  That is a good kick off to other things like intuitive eating and mindfulness.  I am just so in my head yet mindless, I forget that I even have a body until I go and do something like cut off the tip of my finger.

I made one tiny brave step last week and made an appointment to meet with a new therapist in my new town.  She's doing in person or online sessions and I opted to do in person.  Not sure if that was the right call or if she's already had COVID or if she's a denier, I just think I need to get the feel of her in person first.  A mask might negate it.  I'm just sick of having to worry about what I look like on Zoom.  I picked her out of the list of covered shrinks with my new insurance because her website is like art therapy! counseling! pictures of happy people!  But she seemed kind of crabby and must have told me what the cost was about five times and it had to be cash or charge.  I've noticed when talking to other therapists that they can be a bit brisk when you first meet them, before you are patients.  I suppose they are doing something like *setting boundaries* or whatever.  I'll ask her about ADD, see what she thinks, I don't think she has prescriber capability but can refer me and work with me on the associated behavioral things, get into eating issues in a non-judgemental way, my current love avoidance, I can just be like, here take all my monies.  Or maybe I won't like her and I'll find somebody else.  That's okay too.

Lesson 3A, An addendum: Just the tip

 I planned on doing multiple posts in reply to prompt three of all the things that I feel like I am missing out on.  One about children and how I go back and forth.  When I want them, or just one really, it's usually because of perceived familial guilt.  Or when I am with a romantic partner and procreating and becoming a family seems like the ultimate fulfillment.  (One which usually scares the guy.)  Or when I am on an intensely independent kick and I think I don't need a man, I can do it on my own.  Then I usually come to my senses and remember that the world is an overpopulated dumpster fire and that I am inherently selfish and I don't want to be bogged down with having to worry about a child when I am running from the zombies during the apocalypse.

I'm sure there are other things I could come up with that are missing.  The second half of the lesson asks the questions about community and I was planning on going deeper into that this week (but not until tonight/tomorrow).

But I had an incident this week where it would be helpful to have a husband or reasonable facsimile of such when I sliced the tip of my finger off while using my new mandoline.  I generally cut and burn and injure myself a lot. (Inattentive/ADD thing maybe?)  And I have a pretty high pain tolerance.  The biggest issue with this mishap was the intensity of the bleeding.  I posted the fingertip on facebook for attention and while not in a great amount of pain, the bloody paper towels were piling up.  I was also already cooking dinner and low blood sugar/shaky hungry so I was pulling things out of the oven and eating salmon and sweet potatoes with my left hand while using talk to text to post on facebook and google things like "sliced off finger tip."  My stepmom saw it and must have told my dad who was like, "Do you want me to take you to urgent care?" and it didn't really seem like I had a choice because he was already getting in his car.  I didn't really want to run up a huge bill to get a band-aid put on.  And it's not that I couldn't drive, its that my car was in my garage which has non-electric not so easy to open barn door style sliding doors but not the new cool trendy ones, the kind that do not slide easily and usually require both hands and hips to get open.

Since I was wearing some silly white horizontally striped fleece pajamas my stepmother got me for Christmas (not my style but soft and warm), I managed to change into some halfway decent clothes while waiting for my dad, even shimmied into a sports bra. (I ended up with blood smeared on my face.) Put the finger chunk in a baggie inside of another baggie with ice.  Realized a maxi pad might be a better blood absorber than paper towel, called ahead to urgent care so they wouldn't close on me.

They closed at 8pm and you could tell they all wanted to go home so it didn't take long.  Given that it was a clean slice there was nothing to stitch, and it wasn't down to bone and really just a couple of millimeters so the tip couldn't be glued/attached or whatever.  It reminded me of that time I was cutting a mat out of my cat's fur and accidentally took a chunk out of her skin.  She barely made a noise then turned around and there was a gaping red spot.  I think it was when I was unemployed or broke so I tried to stick the skin chunk back on it but that didn't work so I just kept putting neosporin on it.  She still has a bald spot there that vets and groomers always seem to find and I have to explain.

Essentially, it was just a bandaid.  They cleaned it, stuck some surgical foam in it, then wrapped it with gauze and tape, which I somewhat bled through.  They also gave me a tetanus shot since the records showed it had been since 2012 and almost ten years.  It's going to need to be covered for weeks at a minimum, probably a few months until I am fully healed.  

I have spent the last few days realizing how vital my right middle finger is to daily operations.  Opening cans, typing, doing dishes, WIPING.  Wiping is very difficult so perhaps it is a good thing to not be around people so much right now.  Makes me kind of regret laughing at the wipe assist thing I saw at the pharmacy awhile back.  Makes me think when I get around to bathroom remodeling that a bidet/washelette might not be such a bad idea.

Update:  just ordered cut proof gloves and a bathroom buddy from Amazon.  

In conclusion, I started writing this blog at 8:30am this morning and am finally going to post it now.  If I had a husband, I probably would have posted it so that he couldn't see it.  Or I could have sent him to pickup the Walmart grocery pickup so I wouldn't have to go out in the subzero wind chills, then I could have secretly posted while he was gone.  Or I would be happy and have nothing to complain about on a blog. Hahahahhahahaha complaining is my life.  If I had nothing to complain about, where would I get my material?