You Can Have This While My Lasagna Bakes

I am so proud of myself for making lasagna and attempting to make gelato on the very last day before my ricotta cheese expires.  Now to drink the other half gallon of whole milk before it expires on Wednesday.

I went to the doctor/nurse inside our work clinic to ask for a referral to get ADHD tested.  I needed to get set up with a new GP anyway, so I had my annual molestation a bit earlier than expected.  She sent a referral down to Madison and then proceeded to ohhhh... not blatantly fat shame me but she is probably a third of my weight and I was very not comfortable in the paper gown that did not cover my back and the fact that the other nurse who came in while she was digging around doing the pap smear HELD MY THIGHS BACK WITH HER HANDS.  Bitch, I can spread my legs if you need me to.  It's one of my special skills.  You don't have to treat me like a pig you are inseminating on the farm.  

I don't know about this whole on-site work clinic thing.  I felt dangerously close to flashing my vagina to any one of the co-workers I don't know yet who could possibly be walking by or at the very least out in the parking lot.  That and they couldn't get my blood so I had to go to the local hospital the next day for the blood draw.

Everything is normal blood wise.  A round of antibiotics to clear up some discharge and now my vulva is like vodka -- odorless and tasteless.  (Here I just thought it smelled like vagina before.)

So I got the referral and called Madison, got transferred back and forth a few times between nueropsychopathy and behavioral psychology and got an 11am zoom appointment at the end of October.  This didn't seem right since Char told me that it was one day thing.  So I sent a follow up email on my chart to question it and got a reply that the 11am appointment was for an initial screening, they would give me some questionnaires for my significant others and then decide if I should be tested.  Um, then why the fuck did I have to get a referral?  

Oh god, and I've heard about the questionnaires... can the cats take it?  "She forgets to feed us unless we remind her!"  If it's for my parents, I don't know how that's going to go.  Hopefully their narcissism comes across?  I'm sure they've dealt with that before, parents who don't believe in psychology who think you just need to try harder or they are in denial about their own symptoms?  (Oh my dad totally has it, 300%.)  James used to say I had ADD, but I'm pretty sure he has me blocked across all platforms and/or has changed his number.

And so I wait 5 months to be screened.  I cried out of frustration.  Wait, I procrastinated and finally accomplished this and now you are going to make me wait EVEN LONGER?  Then probably another five months after that to be tested.  IT NEEDS TO BE NOW.  If I can muster up the focus maybe I can see if I can find something outside of insurance and pay cash?  Depending on the cost?  

It's summer, it will go fast.  And even though today is the unofficial first day of summer, it also has a foreboding last day of summer break feeling because tomorrow is going to be my first full day working in the office and I am freaked the fuck out.  We are on summer hours, so starting early in order to have Friday afternoons off, so I have to have my ass in my chair by 7am tomorrow morning.  Can you feel the face that I am making as I type that?  They haven't rolled back the mask policy yet (waiting for guidance from OSHA).  Thankfully nobody is really enthusiastic about going back, so we are easing into it part-time.  Two days a week in June, three days a week in July and four days a week in August -- mostly so we don't have to bother with Fridays.  

My summer project -- which I typically start and never finish -- is to explore my new city and finally check out all the shops, parks, festivals, restaurants, museums, et cetera.  Being fully vaccinated, I have spent the last couple of weekends gallivanting around maskless and I think I caught a cold.  I forgot about colds.  I haven't had one since last year.  So there's that.

Let's see... the weather has been quite bipolar.  Today is a perfect low humidity 73 but the last few weeks it's either been 90 or 45.  I think next weekend is going to be 90 and I will regret not mowing my lawn this weekend but ..... I didn't feel like it and it's not bad but by Wednesday it will be bad.  

Speaking of bipolar, I haven't seen but have still been texting with both fellers. I keep hearing about this "Hot Girl Summer" thing, is that the same as One Horny Summer?  But I feel like I just got my vagina fixed and now I don't want to mess it up.  It's like when you finally vacuum your car.  As soon as the first french fry falls down the crevice between the seat and the console, it's only a matter of days until the whole thing is a mess again.

I was walking into a gas station yesterday and a girl said to me, "wow, you have really pretty eyes."  I had just woken up from a nap and my eye makeup was smeared and my hair was disheveled but it felt cute so maybe it was.  Is it time to switch teams?  

Took a lot of naps this weekend.  Hoping my sleep schedule is finally readjusted.

The lasagna alarm is sounding.

Well I was out of foil so the top layer of cheese burnt but que sera. Crunchy cheese is good too.

#lasagnathirtysomewhere

American Mental Health Care at it's Finest

Because ADHD, a few weeks ago I finally made a phone call to see about getting scheduled for an ADHD evaluation.  We have a medical employee assistance hotline and I figured they would be the best place to start.  I have been procrastinating on making that call mostly out of nerves and getting distracted by work and texting boys and scrolling facebook for an hour every time I pick up my phone to make a call.

Lady at Employee Assistance Hotline:  "We don't do that, we do short term counseling, but I can transfer you to a psychiatrist's office."

Psychiatrist Office:  "Is this for you or a child?  We only do people under 21 but I can transfer you to Char who can schedule appointments for adults."

Char:  "Hi this is my voicemail at 4pm on a Friday, leave me a voicemail."

Char calls back on a Tuesday or Wednesday.  "Well I can schedule you here in town but I'm just going to let you know that we are booking into January of 2022 and it will be three appointments.  Or I can transfer you to Madison.  They are booked about eight weeks out."

Madison:  "We need a referral from a physician or therapist before we can even start to schedule you."

Me, two weeks later, calling the last shrink I saw and discussed ADHD with, who told me that meditation is better than medication but I can't create routines because ADHD, who never answers her phone, so I leave her a voicemail:  "Hi this is Cindy, I was wondering if you would possibly be willing to write me a referral for ADHD testing?  If this is something you are willing to do, please call me back."

No call back.

Me, two more weeks later, calling Gigi, my former therapist from before I moved.  "Oh hi Cindy, it's so good to hear from you and hear you're doing well.  What do you need?  I can't write you a referral, I don't even have an open file on you.  Karen should be able to do that.  Why do you need a referral?  Can't you self-refer?  That's kind of outdated."

I already broke up with Karen, my prior primary care nurse practitioner from my old town because I live and work here now and it's just not practical.  The place I'm trying to get referred to is in a different network and after I read her notes I feel like she is fatphobic and dismissive so I really don't want to get roped back in with her.

So I finally made an appointment at my new job's clinic for a Well Woman Exam so I can meet the nurse on-site, discuss these things, establish a repour with her and see if she'll refer me.  Don't know how I feel about being naked while my co-workers are potentially in the next room, but this is how we save copay money.

This is a lot of steps for an ADHD person to follow through on.  It's almost as if getting to the diagnostic stage proves you don't have it?  My impatience and wanting it to be done *now* is another symptom.  Even once scheduled I think I have to go on some evidence gathering missions to bring proof.  I did not find my high school report cards, I have a transcript somewhere but I need the ones with the comments that say "late assignments" & "has potential".  

I love the dismissive nature of friends and family.  The other day my dad was over and asking for a tape measure.  I have at least three but couldn't find any of them because they weren't where they were supposed to be.  "You probably got that from me," he said and I quipped, "yes, thank you for the ADD" and he was like "the what??" but I dropped it which was easy because he was too busy being impatient.

But Cindy... everybody has trouble concentrating.  Everybody is in debt, everybody is incapable of developing routines, everybody is messy and everybody loses things and leaves their car windows open with the keys in the ignition for 48 hours.  Everybody has a running dialogue in their brain that is constantly reminding them that they did their entire life wrong and that it's too late and has to listen to podcasts just to drown it out because listening to music is just a fucking time machine and/or they will just end up giving their neighbors a two hour long karaoke concert of Sarah McLachlan's Possession on repeat.  Everybody is like that, don't beat yourself up. And stop telling everybody about it, you are making us look bad.

One Horny Summer

 I had another first date last night with a fella I met while spite-swiping after the last first date.  Professor has been spending plenty of time on the app (thank you stalkery green dot for showing when someone is online) and being kind of withdrawn in answering my texts.  Instead of ruminating on it, I just said "next please" and ended up meeting a guy who is a couple years younger than me and much more type as in he is full of red flags and we spent two weeks oversharing through text messages.  Let's think of a psuedonyn for him hmmmmmmmmmmmm... Flag.  

Now because he managed to find me on facebook before I even told him my last name, and because of some very loose connections that may make it possible for my name to trace back to this blog, there is a slight possibility that Flag could read this.  I'm not about to eviscerate him in anyway but this is perhaps a more honest "review" than the one I have given him.  He asked for initial evaluations and I said that I had fun and would like to hang out again.  All true.  The problem?  The problem is that he has a grown out beard and hair (Pandemic) and while they are a nice beard and hair, my brain keeps screaming "oh my god, he looks just like my dad's friend Bowser" which played in my head on a loop.

I am not anti-beard but... I don't like those big long ones.  I also don't want to be that kind of woman who dictates what her man needs to look like.  I am the kind of woman who drops hints on what she would like her man to do with his appearance and hopes he is able to pick up on context clues and obliges.

So what are the red flags?  He is separated from his wife but they still live together and have not filed for divorce yet because insurance and pandemic.  He says they have been basically over for three years but just a few months ago he was posting lovey pictures of the two of them.  Apparently she's gone poly and has a new boyfriend and is encouraging him to date.  Also, his posts are a lot about being depressed and it came out one night that he is bipolar but not on meds, just weed, but was out of weed.  He has a job but has been on disability after dislocating his knee so he has nothing to do but check in with me all day.  He seems maybe prone to be a bit moody.  I mean, I can be too, but it also means that I would be codependent in trying to cheer him up and manage his mood and that isn't good for me.

White flags:  we have had long unfiltered conversations about everything from raping to being raped to traumatic childhoods to death of friends.  *slow realization* Oh shit, we were trauma bonding.  But he's funny and makes me laugh and I think I make him laugh.  He's quite tall and banged his head on my very short bathroom doorway.  Are these pluses?  Similar upbringing, similar senses of humor, taste in music and tv shows.  I think he'd be cool with poop talk.  Professor, probably not so much.

We messed around but didn't do it all the way.  There may have been a moment or two of just the tip and he may be beating himself up over that.  Had fitbit not told me that I was in my fertile window, it may have gone further but I'm guess I glad I didn't.  He tried to make me come, but that never happens a first time with someone.  It was fun nonetheless.

Professor did start texting me again, though not back to what it was.  He'd been preparing for a job interview, I guess I was a distraction.

I can't say for sure that either of these guys will be my next boyfriend.  The fact that everyone is lonely and horny post-pandemic might make for one horny summer that rivals that of 2017.  I wonder if my emotions are broken or  rusty but now I compare my experiences to James.  I wasn't 100% sure on our first date until we kissed.  But once we kissed, which was not until the very end,  I knew I loved him.  I also took a picture of him without him knowing.  That hasn't happened again yet.  I guess we'll see.  Should be an interesting summer.