gentle laxative

This whole week has been about poop and anxiety. Quitting the new meds, they are making everything worse. My solar plexus is inflamed.  

I have never been lonely or bored.

delirious but preparing for abundant joy

Oh how funny i took this afternoon off to try to get some outside projects done. One of those is to fill my b-hole.  Bee hole. Cracks in the foundation. I need more caulk.

ok I will look for a chinese money plant tomorrow. 

lol lol I am a home for lost skaters. Helicopter "parenting" is controlling codependence. I'm trying to be less so with my bf. 

my favorite ancestor is elizabeth walker knowles

I was surprised and delighted to discover that everything stayed caught up at work and there was no dire backlog. It was nice and relaxing until there was check run drama, which was strange for a Monday, that is usually reserved for Thursdays.

How do I get off the ride? Yesterday I started to consider career changes. Cat groomer. Pimple popper (esthetician kind, dermatologists are in demand but so much mathy school).

The most stressful parts of my job are other people. I get overwhelmed by trying to juggle everything at work, everyone's expectations.  Then add in the overwhelm of everything I need to do to maintain the house, the yard, the cats, my body, its physical needs and emotional needs for rest and creativity. Sometimes I walk around grumbling,  do I have to do everything around here?! Yes I do. That's what I get for being independent and now I realize why people settle for mediocre relationships.  

I'm still fucking broke. I need to make time to read these books. Make my plan. Figure out how to deliver Door Dash on week nights. Funny, they keep showing the episode of The Office where Michael yells "I declare bankruptcy!" Maybe its a sign. 

travel blog day 3, kinda sorta but after the fact

Saturday morning was magical in every way and I spent the whole day driving home marveling in gratitude that we get to live in such an amazing state with all its different landscapes and how even the land here is magical. 

I spent the last 2 hours of the drive slapping myself in the face and singing along at the top of my lungs to my Carpool Karaoke playlist. I just wanted to get home and snuggle my cats and even my boyfriend. 

And as I finally got into town and was waiting on some fried chicken to surprise my faux family and I finally went back onto facebook that gratitude faded quickly. This town is magical in a black magic way, an energy vortex of weirdos and assholes. I turn back into an asshole. Cursed land? A Google search leads to a reddit post wherein someone references another reddit post that alluded to such :

Then I seemed to forget who my boyfriend is, I had some idealized version in my head of someone who would be excited to see me and hear of my tales of enlightenment. He was just stoned and stupid and instantly annoyed me. I'm just supposed to be grateful that he's not drunk?

It's been much easier to put that all on the back burner, just let it play out. I couldn't handle the stress of it all so I kust decided to be a dude and consider it a friends with benefits casual relationship that I am not trying to force in either direction. 

i didn't notice the braille when I was there. The labyrinth was amazing, but I realize now that my best photos were on my camera. 

My father mentioned that his father was at the ccc camp near there and I begrudgingly went. Spotify ghosts were dj'ing and Sweet Child O Mine was playing as I found the addressless ruins along the road. There was another group of people there, we did not murder each other. Probably cousins of mine.

I brought back some pinecones so my father could grow trees from the trees his father planted (theoretically).

They turned boys to men and had cigarettes for dessert on Thanksgiving.  This grandfather died of lung cancer 2 years before I was born. 

I saw some bald eagles feasting on a roadkill deer, a swan vs geese turf war, and in general was a bird centric voyage. The only living wildlife I saw. Maybe because I've been feeling trapped, I'm the caged bird envious of those who can fly.

Speaking of flying, got lost around Camp Douglas, if that is a UFO hot-spot I would not he surprised.

My key takeaway is that the older I get, the harder it is for me to live inauthentically. I am only ever at peace  when I am creating. I don't have my escape plan ready yet but I don't want to wait another 25 years before I can retire.

travel blog day 2, friday the 13th

Honesty. The point I think of the trip originally had been to find the truth. About what I want. About who I am.  An infomercial on tv just said he's been chasing down the truth. Should probably order these supplements.

The truth is I want to escape responsibility.

I didn't bring the right pens so my sit outside and write in the rain was interrupted so I decided to run to town to check things out since it was raining, I was hungry and I needed my zen pens.  I went to the local Family Dollar, which was the only chain establishment in the town of 650.

Stopped at this Antiques store with creaky floors and an old old man jamming out to ABBA Fernando.  I asked him about cat figurines.  I must have all the vintage cat figurines.  Maybe they are worth more now. I got a dog figure that looked like my childhood dog and a poetry book.  Was/am kinda obsessed with these heads, just because of the detail. Beret man in particular.  Ad on TV just said detail.

Ate straight up garbage yesterday, so went to the this fusion market for lunch for salad and a french soda.  It's very popular.

I bought one of Kathy's florals pumpkins.  It wasn't this one.  this should have been the one.  I saw it after I bought the one I had bought.

At this used book store I bought three books on zen/buddhism/lovingkindness that will undoubtedly sit on my bookshelf at home.  I also bought a fiction book set in the Driftless region that I've heard about before.  Probably at a writers conference.  I probably went to the author's seminar or something.  

I also made friends with the owner's grand son with Down Syndrome.  He was asking me my name and what I had for dinner last night while Robin and Robin tried to figure out how to change the receipt paper roll.  I asked his name and he said it was Tom Petty.  He said I was funny and then said "I love you, Cindy" so I said back "I love you too Tom Petty".  It was all very sweet and cheeky.

I also spent a couple of bucks at some other random junky thrift shop/food pantry.  I've been out talking to strangers all day.

Is this a secret artist town?  Everyone seems so happy.

Apparently they are Vikings fans?  That was the team gear in Family Dollar, not Packers.

Too rainy for aimless strolls so I did some aimless driving and car photography.  So may roads so close to edges of lakes. Still no wolves, no bears.  

Spent the afternoon getting stoned and coloring.  I don't feel the need to write down to the truth.  I know that I haven't found it but I have found some zen.  I am not stressed or anxious.  I wish the cats were here.  I guess at the same time I wish I could be here for a week so that I could do all the things --- hike, read, write, sit on the patio.  But l also feel ready to go home and hug my fur babies and snuggle my boyfriend.  And continue to avoid my family.  

Check out is 11am.  Do I need to do my dishes?  Is that not included in my $200?

If it's stopped raining I want to wander down to the river on the property.  If it's early enough, I'll try to write outside with coffee if I can.  There's a labyrinth nearby I'd still like to visit, and I still want to stay open to making pit stops on the way home (I brake for thrift stores and random Dollar Trees).

travel blog day one, a 5 hour drive takes 9 and a half

Didn't leave until just about noon. Teared up when saying goodbye to the cats.  Am tearing up now.  Vrbos should come with cats.

Stopped at a roadside tourist attraction I've always been curious about. Pretends to be an old timey village selling antiques that are not antiques and overpriced Amish fudge. I bought fudge and some coasters at the cabin decor storage. I ruined all the cashier's lunch breaks.

Went to Rib Mountain state park and conquered the observation tower. Last year I went with a friend on out way to the poetry conference but chickened out due to heights and fatness. I was not out of breath but still a little shaky. Took a picture for a couple of Octogenarians who congratulated me. 

A few miles away is the middle of the hemisphere, off of a gravel road. It's hokey but I tell you, when I stood on that medallion the wind picked up, the corn rustled and my whole body vibrated. I thought maybe the aliens were coming. Was there not a horoscope asking if am looking for my center? Cuz here I am, grounded in it. 

Longitude is essentially arbitrary and based on imperial England, but so is everything else so just go with it okay?

At this point its almost 5 and I had hoped to be there by 5 and I'm not even close. I think of Wausau as up north but it's not, its halfway essentially. 

So I keep going and turn on Natalie Goldberg's writing down the bones. She reminded me to keep writing past the chatter to get the deep stuff. Writing is her zen practice. My dad texts me and I ignore it. The car auto replies that I am driving. He texts again. I stop at a Wal-Mart in Chippewa Falls for tweezers and munchies. 

I had intended to try to stick to local shops and restaurants but wasn't sure what would be open when I got there. I told my dad I was about an hour out and that when I did I was off the grid. On purpose. Because that is the point of getting away.

I resisted telling him I was never going to tell him anything again but I did a quick jab in the gut of more likely to die texting and driving ((which he does) then to be eaten by wolves. 

It was dark when I left Wal-Mart and GPS said I still had 1 hour 42 minutes to go. Yeesh, almost 9pm. So I drove on the freeway sticking a comfortable distance behind a speeding semi hoping that would be emough to deter deer from flinging themselves into my Rogue,  an even more likely way to die, 100% for them as evidenced by the plethora of blood splatter marking the pavement.

There was construction and lane closures and I finally was routed to some curvy back roads where I crawled along. The trees were thick except for the occasional plots filled with junk cars or total blackness that proved to be a lake only by the appearance of a small fishing boat tied to a dock in my headlights. 

I finally arrived, nearly 10pm, exhausted nut on one piece.  It is so dark because there is a new moon so I check the Aurora forecast and its low.  The cottage is adorable of course, and clean. I see what kinda tv comes in. Drew Barrymore is weird and annoying and obviously on so much adderall.  Jen would like some boundaries please.

Was going to read in bed but fell asleep so fast that I had to dinish this post in the morning. 

travel blog day zero, the night before

Long day, stressful day. Trying to finish everything at work but exhausted from staying up too late plus constant distractions plus quarterly reviews,  trying to clean up the house so I don't come home to a shithole, power was out when I got home, my period is starting, had to meet a dude at the Kwik Trip to sell a thing, picking up hoardes of prescriptions at Walgreens (5!), and my cousin came over so I could give him a key so he can feed the cats a few times and it was nice to talk like we haven't in years so now hopefully we broke the ice to being more friendly and hanging out more often (ie once a year) the way that only two hermit weirdos who share the same adhd grandmother can. 

apt apt apt

The messes will wait for me.

who's afraid of the big bad wolf

I have figured it out and I'm not even on vacation yet. Thank you father who art a dry drunk, hallowed be thy roots of codependency.  And to our family traditions, for which they stand, to shit upon anyone's attempt at peace or happiness.

Shut down method deployed Sunday night when I really wanted to point out that I or he or they would have a higher chance of killing themselves with said pistol on accident than becoming wolf food.

I am 44. Is this sweet or controlling? I feel controlled.  Is this why I feel trapped all of the time? It is integral to my being. Stockholm syndrome as a character trait.

 I am going to say I'm off the grid even if I'm not. There is so going to be so much to write about. 

Insert Mary Oliver poem "Wild Geese" here.

you can choose

I'm heading to a cabin in the woods on Thursday. Vrbo. Selected because my gut thinks the host looks familiar like she is in the fellowship of poets and writes the listing like she is...

I heard on a podcast that someone heard on tiktok that going into nature for 3 days resets your psyche. That was the spur. I may be expecting an epiphany or at the very least clarity. 

It's going to rain. My dad thinks I'll be eaten by a wolf. I'm broke so I feel guilty for doing it though its already paid for. I can just eat peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.  

There's no wifi. I'm thinking it should be screen free, off the grid. No meth but maybe a daytime weed gummy. Must be on guard in the dark woods on Friday the 13th. 

Coffee & writing, tea & reading, weed & yoga and 9 hours of audio round trip. 

the call is coming from inside the house

Next week I escape to a vrbo cabin up north. Alone in the woods with my thoughts, possibly bears and hopefully northern lights. On Friday the 13th.

Had a whole conversation this morning about vitamin d, sunlight and if it still works through a window. South African man says no, google confirmed.  He also said iodine is my friend.

Was going to request a mental health work from home day but when I logged on to check my outlook calendar, the source of my distress had messaged me that she was working from home so I went in.

Turns out they were doing some utility stuff across the street, power was out, cable was out. 

Wanted to leave work early but as 2:30 got closer and I was getting stressed I had an epiphany. The call is coming from inside the house. The majority of the pressure I feel is self imposed. 

Poetry group meets at a retirement complex. I heard an ambulance arrived right after I entered. I was overcome with wooziness in the lobby as we were leaving. As I was getting in my car another one rolled up. That building was strangely quiet tonight.

I'm telling the truth but not telling it slant

Writing poems about popping zits

Maybe the next will be about triangle shits

safety day

Try boobz with a Z

inappropriate places

I am very uncomfortable in my body and tried to sneak out of work early, like ten minutes and I can't stop scratching my head and its been too much month end whack a mole. Anxiety? New meds ... not sure when to take them. I'm not sure if I'm hungry or full. I'm tense.

Walking into the office this morning, my south african coworker caught up with me. I confessed to being exhausted when he asked how I was. He said you know what you need and I exclaimed, "pills and coffee!" And he said no... I think it was going to be Jesus, but he got sidetracked and I escaped.

I don't know why I am so TMI with him. Probably because one time a psychic told my aunt that my soul mate was from Africa so now everytime I meet someone from Africa I try them on in my head. It's like trying to buy shoes online except the shoes usually are married with a wife and a bunch of kids and take vacations to the creation museum and are oddly Republican for an alien and are actually colonial shoes not African shoes.

I also eavesdropped at work that tomorrow's government test is actually going to kill us all or melt our brains with the tone or something. 

the struggle continues

After a beautiful Saturday weekend womens retreat that left me feeling filled up, creative, silly and even a little bit horny, Monday has brought the shit show. Sunday showed signs of backsliding and even though I tried to stay in good spirits as I worked from home, by 3pm I was cursing everyone. It's month end so there's a crunch. Regrets, frustration,  and my own pungent body odor combined with a med change that maybe leaves me a little bit manic or extra anxious... had signed up and paid for an immersive sound healing this evening but fell into hyperfocus panic and worked for 12 almost 13 hours instead. I only hopped off because I noticed That Bitch had logged back on and even though I was incognito she would undoubtedly notice I was loading her workflow up with invoices from September 29th. Then she woulda called me and I'd still be on a Teams call with her instead of blogging on my phone waiting for my sheets to dry so I can shower and cleanse away 2 days of underboob sweat. Seriously global warming, 86 in October snot cool. 

working on my coven