Lesson 3A: What is Missing, Part 1

 This lesson has so many questions and possible directions to go in, that I figured I might as well get started early.  

*What is it that you feel is missing from your life right now?  List as many or as few items as you like.

Given my tendency to go off on tangents, let's just start with the obvious, mmkay?  Clearly I am missing love.  Again.  Perpetually.

*Is there something that you had in the past that you wish you still had?

I feel silly saying it, but I still miss James.  In a way where I think about things we used to do, like thrift store shopping and other adventures and think "that was nice." I miss the honeymoon stage where I would cry when I dropped him off at work because I would miss him and it would be two whole days before I saw him again.  It was... codependent, I suppose.  

*Do you feel like you are simply destined not to have some of the things you may want out of life?  Where did this belief come from?

Okay, so there are two competing things at hand.  First, there is a low self-esteem thing.  Feeling not good enough, that nobody will want me because I am too much.  Too fat, too broke, too ugly, and now we can add too old.  Too quiet, too talkative, too snobby, too shy.  So I usually put it on the back burner because I will make my emergence as a beautiful butterfly in six months as the epitome of male desirability which never happens but is a good reason to delay the search.

The not good enough thing is an extrapolation of something I believe my dad has said either directly or indirectly.  "You don't want to be fat.  No one will love you if you're fat."  Maybe he said it teasingly. I swear I've heard him use it on his grand daughters if they want too many sweets.  Or maybe I'm just replaying the grooves in the record.  Maybe said it about someone else.  

So, once in a while I muster up some self-esteem and try to stumble out into the dating world, almost exclusively through online dating these days.  And then I realize that most single men are idiots.  The emotionally available ones feel needy and desperate.  (Yes, I realize the hypocrisy.)  The ones that think they're hot shit and just want to fuck have become less appealing.  I don't want to just settle down with some ding dong so that I'm not alone.  The ones that I've at least felt a spark with through endless texting never really seem to want to actually meet and eventually it fizzles out.  And people accuse me of being picky.

*Is there time in the past that you "realized" it just might not be in the cards?

When I was a kid and would play house with my neighbor friend, I would pretend to be a single mom or my imaginary husband would be away on business a lot.  That and I have long admired old single ladies who don't need a man to get by and just do their own thing.  My family tree is full of them.

*Can you think of anyone you know that has the thing that is missing from your life? What did he or she do differently than what you're doing right now?

I have one friend that is in a newish (one year) relationship and I just met her boyfriend a couple of weekends ago (they had covid about two months ago, so they were safe to see).  She found him on facebook dating around the same time I initially started dipping my toe in.  I knew for a fact that it was too early for me.  I'm surprised she has been with this guy for so long because she teases him constantly and complains but that's kind of how she is, and he is kind of dopey and just thinks the sun rises and sets in her ass.  So maybe the answer is to cling on to someone who worships you.

If that were the case, I'd still be with The Bear.  I wonder if I should see how/what he's up to.  I told myself if after five years I was unhappy... no, that would be cruel because I don't miss him at all.  I look at pictures of us together and I think about how exhausting it was to be on such a pedestal.  It was not good for me at all, it turned me a total spoiled brat.

Everyone else has been married for so long that things don't seem romantic anymore. Affectionate, maybe.  I look at people who've been together for more than ten years and wonder what that's like, if it's boring or if you have been just so enmeshed for so long that you're trapped but comfortable so you stay out of convenience and duty and you've been together so long that you are basically family now and does it just get to the point of being like you're fucking your brother?  That's gross, man.  Now I understand why couples start swinging.  To keep their genitals from shriveling up in horror I suppose.

*Why do you think this thing is missing?  Try to find as many "reasons" as you can.

I love a good excuse session!  

Pandemic. 

My soul mate is dead.

My soul mate is married to someone else at the moment.

I don't believe in soul mates.

I don't leave my house.

I only go on free dating sites and you get what you pay for.

I don't love or respect myself enough to attract true love. (The Secret answer.)

I haven't cleared space for my future lover in my home (also a The Secret answer).

I don't have the time, energy or mental space to focus on another person right now because I am too busy trying to take care of myself and my ducks that refuse to be arranged into rows. (The actual reason.)

I don't want someone coming in here with their shitty furniture and taxidermized deer heads. (The actual reason I won't admit.)

*Can you think of one small step you could take toward finding/getting this thing that is missing?

My okcupid is open, they just aren't sending messages.  

I'm just not in a headspace to even work on it.  I'm working on me and the house and the new job. There's really no rush.  Plus there is still a little part of me that thinks James might show up on my video doorbell one of these days when he finally opens the package I sent him.