Please note my reluctance to do this lesson. It's obviously some kind of refusal, delay, procrastination tactic my ego is employing to help me avoid uncomfortable feelings.
1. Do you feel connected to the world and the people around you? If not, why do you think that might be?
NO. But honestly... never really have. That was even the crux of my existence going back to childhood. Not popular, but not bullied. I have always felt invisible to the majority of the world. A misfit, but embarrassed about it. I never let my freak flag fly.
2. Can you think of a time when you felt more connected? Describe that time.
In the younger days (middle/high school) my friend groups consisted of other misfits. We were the leftovers. I think we each thought we were the ring leader, but there wasn't a leader. Work friends aren't that genuine, especially ones in my early drinking days. I spent my 20s skimming along the outskirts of other tribes. Even in the online heydays of 2006 Blogging, I had my regulars that I regularly visited but could not quite get into true bloggy friends circle. But this isn't about the times you still didn't feel connected. I get glimpses of it, sometimes with family or friends or even a nice interaction with a stranger out in the wild and I can always tell those little moments because I get a little flutter / heart swell. And it feels good.
3. List as many of your values as you can think of.
I always worry about the difference between what I think my values are and what I actually practice/represent. I think I value beauty (aesthetics, not societal beauty standards as a tool of repression), competence, cleverness, courtesy (can you tell I'm looking through an alphabetical list?), empathy, ethics, focus (I value in others and wish I had it), serenity (wish), security (wish), loyalty (I gots and I wants), intuition and self-improvement. I also think I value animals over people, is that a value?
4. Do you feel like you're traveling down the right path? If not, what is your "right" path?
Well. I think with age comes the acceptance that there isn't a right or wrong path, just the one you're on and it's what you make of it, right? Sounds trite, but the other two options are offing yourself or quitting your job with the certainty that the universe will provide for you and I haven't reached either of those ends of the spectrum yet.
5. Have you considered that the thing that might be missing is you? Do spend time exploring inward instead of letting the world pull you outside of yourself?
Sweet jesus, all I do is self-reflection. To the point that it might be detrimental. I was once getting reiki'd and the lady balancing my chakras asked me if I was a pilot because I'm not connected to the ground. I need to be more in my body. That is a good kick off to other things like intuitive eating and mindfulness. I am just so in my head yet mindless, I forget that I even have a body until I go and do something like cut off the tip of my finger.
I made one tiny brave step last week and made an appointment to meet with a new therapist in my new town. She's doing in person or online sessions and I opted to do in person. Not sure if that was the right call or if she's already had COVID or if she's a denier, I just think I need to get the feel of her in person first. A mask might negate it. I'm just sick of having to worry about what I look like on Zoom. I picked her out of the list of covered shrinks with my new insurance because her website is like art therapy! counseling! pictures of happy people! But she seemed kind of crabby and must have told me what the cost was about five times and it had to be cash or charge. I've noticed when talking to other therapists that they can be a bit brisk when you first meet them, before you are patients. I suppose they are doing something like *setting boundaries* or whatever. I'll ask her about ADD, see what she thinks, I don't think she has prescriber capability but can refer me and work with me on the associated behavioral things, get into eating issues in a non-judgemental way, my current love avoidance, I can just be like, here take all my monies. Or maybe I won't like her and I'll find somebody else. That's okay too.
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