I had my first visit with my new therapist and found it frustrating that she didn't already know my whole backstory because I was trying to tell it to her and going off in tangents and I brought up ADD and she shook her head yes vehemently but she is one of those that says meditation is just as effective as medication and even though she is not a prescriber, I was hoping to get referred to one. Also, I am using insurance since it is partially covered but I forgot that when you do use insurance you need to have goals/reason/treatment plan for going to therapy because apparently you can't just go hang out with some lady in a tiny white room for 50 minutes just because you want to talk about yourself and be validated without feeling guilty. I have another appointment this week, I figure I will give her a try for a few sessions and keep trying to meditate even though I am mostly bad at it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This lesson asks me to reflect on what I do to make the world a better place or at the very least, contribute. Having a job contributes to society. Paying taxes, contributing to the flow of money. Putting art and thoughts out to the world (which feels more like self-centered expression for me but okay, some find it entertaining). Taking care of a home. The cats. I keep the cats fat and happy with comfortable places to sleep. Being a mentor to younger generations, which I only do on accident. In my last job I found myself as the "work mom" to my eighteen year old co-worker. Wait I thought, when did this happen? Everyone always wants to mother me... I am the one who has work moms. And now I am a work mom to a smart and funny orthodox Catholic home-schooled girl who is so stubborn and young that she doesn't even know she is parroting her parent's viewpoints? I can't wait for her to break free. I just hope she realizes I gave her a nail file.
Have you ever posted a positive image or quote on social media? What made it special to you?
Any meme I have posted, or quote I have used in a caption has been because it meant something to me at the time. Sometimes they stop meaning something as evidenced by when I see them in my facebook memories (something I've been using to slowly delete the past). Sometimes they turn out to be problematic examples of toxic positivity. Gotta hand it to Gen Z, they have really found a way to vilify just about anything.
How do you feel like you contribute to the world through your vocation?
Accounting keeps the money flowing between companies. My company itself contributes cheese, glorious cheese to the world. They also have good benefits and wellness programs, personal development courses which I am about to start taking (as required). I feel better working for them than any other company in my past which either contributed junk to the world and/or treated employees like pawns.
Have you ever donated money or time to a cause? What feelings prompted you to do so?
Donating money is easier. A few bucks here and there to March of Dimes, the Humane Society, places where if you donate $10 once they will send you merch for years and then ask you to donate more in order to pay for it. I had a child sponsor twice, less than a dollar a day to feed a starving child. I quit on both of them during times when I was trying to wrangle my expenses in. The second one was a fifteen year old boy with a moustache from the Philippines. My friends got a good chuckle out of that one.
Guilt is what usually inspires my generosity. In my church days they taught that you should give 10% of your income to the church. Luckily my parents also thought this to be outrageous... like I should give $200 a month to the church when the pastor is driving around in a minivan with a TV in it and I am living paycheck to paycheck? And even in the post-church days the Woo woo gurus go around espousing that if you give it away it will come back ten-fold (or something). But the scarcity mindset is ingrained and if I feel guilty for spending $20 on pizza delivery while paying off debt, I am never going to be able to part with 10%. I am only putting 5% in my 401k and even that seems like a bit much.
Sometimes out of the goodness of my heart I will give $10 - 20 to someone's fundraiser for an animal if I know them. But usually only for animals.
When I am rich, I say, I will be a philanthropist.
Have you ever performed a random act of kindness?
Snowblowing the curmudgeon next door's sidewalk? Holding a door? Paying for the car behind me in the drive thru but only if someone in front of me paid for mine and then I end up paying for a three person car behind me instead of my $3 for breakfast burritos? Sure. Nothing on a grandiose scheme though. I think about doing them, but don't actually do them out of fear. There was a guy sitting outside the grocery store parking lot with a sign indicating he is cold and I have a plethora of blankets at home. I contemplated going to get him one, but then my brain train took me all the way to doing that, then offering to let him stay at my house for the night, then him murdering me. Not sure if this is an ADHD thing or just a fear mongered white girl who watches too many murder docs.
How do you contribute to your family or friend group on a regular basis?
I try to send birthday cards if I'm not going to see the person. It feels like nobody does it anymore. It also feels likes something I do and hope to maybe get the same in return but I don't and then I say I'm not going to do it anymore but then I go it's not supposed to be about getting the return, it's about doing unto others as you'd have done to you without expecting the done to you part.
How would you like to live your life with the idea that you're setting an example for others as you do so? Would you do anything differently?
If I'm modeling anything, it's that you can do it yourself without a man. I don't know if I'm trying to put on airs about being cool single independent chick and everyone sees right through it and pities me, or if they admire me. Probably a little bit of both. I don't know that I would do anything explicitly different in order to be what... an influencer?
I pay attention to the people that are living the lives that I wish I were and then I look at the gap between their life and mine and I wonder if it is achievable or if I am buying into the lie that you have to be a skinny vegan yoga master with hairy armpits living in a zen garden in Malibu in order to be happy. Do you need some grand purpose to change the world? Am I wasting my life? Comparison is the thief of joy.
Is there a meaningful giving experience you'd like to plan for in the future?
There is definitely something making me feel icky about my contributions not being totally selfless. Since I have given up most desire/hope to biologically have a child of my own, isn't my lack of contribution to global warming/overpopulation/resource suck, not to mention sparing future generations from my genetics, enough? I figure that if that mothering itch really wants to be scratched, maybe sometime in ten years when I'm 50 or so, I can foster or adopt a kid, one that's around four or five, already potty trained but still cute and precocious. Or you know, maybe a puppy. I keep asking the cats if they want a puppy and they say no with their eyes.
My company does a lot of work with Big Brothers Big Sisters and I have been thinking about volunteering with them, sort of foster-lite, find some kid that you don't have to take home, just basically babysit for a few hours a week. I also have wondered if they would let me as a single middle aged lady participate and if it would seem creepy if I did. It's called Big Sisters not "you are the same age as my Grandma because we all had kids at sixteen." (I can say that because I was a teen mom baby.)
No comments:
Post a Comment